My lungs are trying to kill me

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away." No, actually it doesn't. Not when your respiratory system is trying to kill you. I spent the entire weekend hacking up my lungs and slipping in and out of fever-induced comas.




Friday

I woke up coughing. And it felt like someone was trying to scoop my brain out of my skull with a rusty spoon. "No big deal," I thought. "I'm sure it's just stress." Of course as the day wore on, and oh how it did wear on, I was beginning to doubt that theory. Having a full weekend ahead of me, I took some Dayquil and went to work. After work, I went to see 'Fiddler on the Roof' on the lawn at the Performing Arts Center with Michael. Well, it turns out that sitting on the cold ground in front of the river, breathing its damp air for three hours didn't exactly help my condition. Michael took pity on me and we went to the store for medicine before I went home (at his suggestion. Apparently, I looked dead.) I stumble in my front door and collapse on my bed. I had just enough time before my plague took over to take my temperature. 103F. Of course.

Saturday

After a full night of high fevers, migraine induced tears and the inability to breath, it's morning. More medicine. It's now about 3pm. Sleeping this late would normally concern me, but seeing as i was entering into hour 14 of my head trying to implode, I let it go. I crawl out of my room, stand in the kitchen for some 20 minutes, and crawl back to bed. It's 6 now. Time for soup. I choke down about 1/3 of a cup, and now it's time to sleep more. A thoroughly productive Saturday.

Sunday

I wake up again to hacking my lungs out. This time was a real treat, though. I'm now coughing up blood. Maybe it's time to go to the doctor. Go to work. Endure another 5 hours of fever and migraines. Go home and sleep. This really fucking sucks.

Monday

After an hour and a half waiting to see the doctor, I and diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Hooray! Another hour, and a very awkward x-ray later, I'm at the pharmacy. My medicine won't be ready for 5 hours. Apparently it take 5 hours to put 7 antibiotic pills into a bottle. I should've figured at much.

5 hours (and $130 later) I have my medicines. I can finally stop my lungs from choking me with my own blood. But not before I take my antibiotic (which makes me wretch violently).


This is pretty much my life for the next 6 days. I'm mostly okay now. I'm fucking broke and still coughing, but at least I'm better? I guess? Fuck this cold.

Boil-in-Bag Rice

The other night Dustin and I were hanging out at my house, doing typical young-twenties stuff: watching canceled TV shows from our youth, wondering in despair when our lives became such a joke, etc. When he decided that it's time for what he likes to call "second dinner." So we hop in the car and head to the grocery store. Now while he's stocking up on food that would make a six-year old convulse in a fit of jealousy, I couldn't help but notice that the shelves were lined with what I've dubbed "failure food." Food that can, in no way, be undercooked, improperly mixed or accidentally require more than one step to prepare. Now I'm not talking about your standard fool-proof foods; your oven pizzas, Hamburger Helpers and the like. I'm talking about products that are the food equivalent to Jerry Springer guests. Here are a few the culinary atrocities I've found:

- Success brand boil-in-bag rice. This is was originally set me off. The name alone is questionable. "Success"??? Never in my life have I considered managing to cook rice a success. The again I've never considered Big Mouth Billy Bass art, so I'm probably not in the target demographic anyway. However this particular product requires that you understand how to turn the faucet on AND are able to use the stove, so I guess this is for the more advanced consumer.

- Kraft Bagel-fuls: frozen bagel tubes that are filled with cream cheese. It is exactly what it sounds like: a long bread stick made from bagel dough, hollowed out, filled with cream cheese and frozen. Of course this is the from the makers of Easy Mac, so I don't know why I was surprised.

- Milk 'n Cereal Bars: cereal bars that have white frosting sandwiched in the middle to emulate milk. They've not only cut out milk, and all of its pesky nutritional value, but they've shown people that this parenting thing isn't that hard. Just shove one of these into Junior's craw before school and he'll ready to face his second year in the fourth grade.

There is a market of people so stupid (or lazy, if we give them the benefit of the doubt) that they are rendering silverware and dishes obsolete. These are the same people whose lives have been saved by the "Do not use plastic bag as a toy" warning. Thinking about it now, I don't think "failure food" is the best description. Maybe something more along the lines of "Eat this stupid!" or "Food, moron!" Or at the suggestion of my friend ""UUUUNNHH! MMOUUUTTHHH! IN" So please, next time you go to the store, resist the temptation of soup that you drink like a fucking cup of coffee, and go for something that requires you to go at least one step beyond "unwrap before eating."