Boil-in-Bag Rice

The other night Dustin and I were hanging out at my house, doing typical young-twenties stuff: watching canceled TV shows from our youth, wondering in despair when our lives became such a joke, etc. When he decided that it's time for what he likes to call "second dinner." So we hop in the car and head to the grocery store. Now while he's stocking up on food that would make a six-year old convulse in a fit of jealousy, I couldn't help but notice that the shelves were lined with what I've dubbed "failure food." Food that can, in no way, be undercooked, improperly mixed or accidentally require more than one step to prepare. Now I'm not talking about your standard fool-proof foods; your oven pizzas, Hamburger Helpers and the like. I'm talking about products that are the food equivalent to Jerry Springer guests. Here are a few the culinary atrocities I've found:

- Success brand boil-in-bag rice. This is was originally set me off. The name alone is questionable. "Success"??? Never in my life have I considered managing to cook rice a success. The again I've never considered Big Mouth Billy Bass art, so I'm probably not in the target demographic anyway. However this particular product requires that you understand how to turn the faucet on AND are able to use the stove, so I guess this is for the more advanced consumer.

- Kraft Bagel-fuls: frozen bagel tubes that are filled with cream cheese. It is exactly what it sounds like: a long bread stick made from bagel dough, hollowed out, filled with cream cheese and frozen. Of course this is the from the makers of Easy Mac, so I don't know why I was surprised.

- Milk 'n Cereal Bars: cereal bars that have white frosting sandwiched in the middle to emulate milk. They've not only cut out milk, and all of its pesky nutritional value, but they've shown people that this parenting thing isn't that hard. Just shove one of these into Junior's craw before school and he'll ready to face his second year in the fourth grade.

There is a market of people so stupid (or lazy, if we give them the benefit of the doubt) that they are rendering silverware and dishes obsolete. These are the same people whose lives have been saved by the "Do not use plastic bag as a toy" warning. Thinking about it now, I don't think "failure food" is the best description. Maybe something more along the lines of "Eat this stupid!" or "Food, moron!" Or at the suggestion of my friend ""UUUUNNHH! MMOUUUTTHHH! IN" So please, next time you go to the store, resist the temptation of soup that you drink like a fucking cup of coffee, and go for something that requires you to go at least one step beyond "unwrap before eating."