10:48 on a Monday Night

Tonight's menu:

• Ketel One
• Dr. Pepper
• Funyuns
• Regret
• Loneliness

It happens. For the two of you who actually follow this, I'm trying to post more. I'm REAL lazy so we'll see how that actually works out. My last post was in March. Some things have changed since then. I lost my wine job, but found a tea job, I bleached the fuck out of my hair, I got a grown-up driver's license and EVERYONE'S EVERYTHING makes me jealous. But I guess that's not really new. God, I even bore myself. More than three people have told me I'm witty and should have my own show, but even I'm bored with these posts. I try to think of clever things to say, but my head is crowded with hair care tips and the sound of Dora the Explorer screaming "A baby! A BABY!! A BABY!!!" Maybe one day I'll be sober enough to remember I started this blog to update it more frequently. But that's an unrealistic goal. Then again, Charles Bukowski and F. Scott Fitzgerald were both RAGING alcoholics and now they're famous. My life as just as sad as theirs, maybe I'll too become famous after death. Finger crossed!!!

ZOMG DRUNKYT POST!!!!!!!

So I'm drinking alone in my room. That's fucking sad. The only thing sadder, is my spelling. The only reason I'm spelling things correctly now is b/c blogger spell-corrects as you type. I WILL NO LONGER BE A SLAVE TO PROPER SPELLING!

Things I'/m drunkingly complaining about (complete with spelling errors and typos):

1. I spilled vodka on my sheets
2. This popcorn is stale
3. I paid too mch for shitty liquor
4. I'm not a wealthy heiress
5. My hair is BROWN not black
6. It's also not platinum blonde
7. Thisis stupid
8. I don't remember what this post is aboutr
9. Apparently, the Sense and Sensibility was a bigger production than I realized; I just thought it was a Masterpiece Theater movie
10. Debutantes; that's some stupid shit
11. Netflx makng you wait until they SHIP the movies before you can watch them
12. I'm too bored for this

My review of M Night Shyamalan's 'The Happening'

Before I begin, I am going to tell you the big secret that you're not supposed to know until the very end: Plant are releasing toxins in the air to kill people because we're pissing them off or something. Let me reiterate. PLANTS are the big natural disaster in this movie. Now, you may be wondering why I would tell you M Night Shyamalan's big secret twist before I've reviewed the movie. Well, I feel I am doing you, dear reader, a service. If you know what the retarded plot twist is before you actually see the movie, you can't possibly be let down when you realize that the movie you've been watching for 2 hours isn't really set in 1856 and "those of which we do not speak" are actually some assholes in blankets. One more note: now that you know the twist, I would also recommend getting plastered before you see The Happening, as this is the only way you're going to enjoy it.

The film opens with a scene in Central Park. I will discuss why this location is crucial in the trying-to-trick-you-into-thinking-this-is-going-to-be-a-good-movie motif that Mr. Shyamalan is so well known for in a bit. The park is filled with people doing typical park stuff: playing frisbee, walking their dogs, jogging, ect. However there was not one single person being mugged or raped, so clearly no one bothered to research typical central park activities, but with the barrage of painful events you're about to experience, I'll let this one slide. The scene focuses on two boring women sitting on a bench reading something boring, when one of them seems to have forgotten where she was. I'm assuming we're supposed to think she's referring to her place in her book, but being that this is the work of M Night Shyamalan, I'm pretty sure that just another trick. Other people being to seem disoriented (this is displayed by the fact that some of them are walking backwards and wearing blank expressions) as well. Boring Girl 2 tries in vain to get a reaction from Boring Girl 1, but it becomes apparent that Boring Girl 1 either can't hear her, or is just ignoring her. Then, as if to remind the audience that you're being tricked into thinking this is a scary movie, Boring Girl 1 takes a hairstick out of her hair and jams it into her throat with what seems to be extreme ease (think like pushing a spoon into jello). This proves to be fatal. Boring Girl 2 reacts with relative placidity. She seems vaguely affected by her friend's unannounced suicide. [FORESHADOWING]The wind blows through the trees.[FORESHADOWING] At this point Alysha and I started taking shots.

The scene cuts to a construction site, with construction workers talking about construction, when out of the blue, a construction worker falls from the top of the building. This also proves to be fatal. [PLOT DEVELOPMENT]Just as the men are calling for an ambulance, like 10 more guys start falling from the building.[PLOT DEVELOPMENT]

All of a sudden we cut to a classroom in Pennsylvania where Mark Wahlberg is the teacher (yeah I probably should use the character's name, but I don't remember what it is). It is also noteworthy (as much as anything in movie can be I guess) that the classroom has an obnoxious amount of plants on shelves. He is telling his class about some missing honey bees and why it's important to know why they disappeared and other sciencey stuff. This probably has something to do with the storyline, but I was like 3 shots in at this point, so I didn't make any connections. None of this mildly retarded teenagers seem to be able to supply a response of any kind. So Professor DILF asks some hotass piece of jailbait what he thinks and gets a response only by making this kid question his attractiveness. The lesson is interrupted by Vice Principal Bulldog Face saying that she needs a word with him (teacher). So they go to some auditorium and all the teachers are there receiving information about the afomentioned happening (!) in New York and that it's probably some act of terrorism and not some pissed off trees because that would be just silly. They're told to go home and let the students leave. I had another shot, so after this point things start to get a little blurry and I may have missed key plot points, but being that this is the work of M Night Shyamalan, I doubt that I missed much of anything. So Mark Wahlberg is leaving the school and he's talking to his bff, John Leguizmo, a math teacher who mentions that people are comforted by percents. This, I think, is supposed to be important. I think they said something about going to a more rual area in Pennsylvania, you know, because it'll be safer from the assumed terrorist attack. Marky boy says he'll think about it because his wife is some kind of bitch or something.

Now we're at the Wahlberg residence where some terrifying looking bitch is ignoring calls from someone named Joey (I'm pretty sure that was his name). This cheating ho is soon identified as Zooey Deschanel, playing the role of Lady Wahlberg. So he comes home and says something about having to leave and at this point I must have forgotten that I was supposed to be paying attention because next thing I know they're at a train station with John Leguizamo and a little girl. Zooey-from-beyond-the-grave basically tells that hot piece of a husband that she's too good to sit with them on the train and she's going to sit somewhere else. And I know what you're thinking, but unfortunately, she makes it all the way through the movie. So now everyone's on the train and I'm thoroughly sloshed. Mark baby says some sciencey plant stuff that I think is supposed to serve as a clue, but it's a lot less painful when you already know what's going on. Johnny L calls his wife and she'll be on her way or some shit. Spoiler: she never makes it. Shocking I know. It cuts at some point to that bug-eyed, cuckolding tramp talking to none other than Joey on the phone. She tells him to stop calling because they only had one date once. A desperate attempt to make the flat character appear human and in need of our sympathy. No dice.

Now we're in the middle of rual Pennsylvania amidst some seemingly innocent trees and foliage only to learn that the train has stopped. It seem that they've lost contact. With whom? EVERYONE. I know. I know. So everyone in the train is now suddenly in some pissant little diner when via a news broadcast it is revealed that rual areas are MORE susceptible to this epidemic. And just when you think it couldn't get any more predictable, poor Mr. Leguizamo says he can't get a hold of his wife. So he finds a ride with some people in a Jeep (jeeping! omg) and you know his time is just about up.

At this point in the movie, I am now completely and utterly smashed, so my chronology and descriptions may be out of order, slightly wrong or completely made-up.

El Leguizamo is driving in a Jeep to some place and they come upon a bunch of bodies of hanged people in a tree, which, I will admit was pretty freaking cool. So this buttery woman in the back seat starts flipping out (which seems like a bit of a delayed reaction because this shit has been going on for a least a day now) and Johnny boy tells her a math problem to make her think about something else and chill the fuck out because she's pissing everyone off. He says something about doubling pennies everyday for a month or something and you'd end up with like 8 billion dollars or something. Yeah, I don't buy it either. Math is the devil's script this is just further proof. So during this discourse John L realizes there's a tear in the fabric of the Jeep and that they're soon going to die. The Jeep crashes into a tree with barely enough impact to bring down a mailbox, but apparently enough to kill the passengers.

Back to Mark and the gang. He, Buggy and the newly orphaned kid are with some kind of hippy-type people who own a greenhouse. They're trying to escape or something. I must have once again forgotten that I was supposed to be following this feeble line of logic because now they're in a field with a bunch of people when somehow they figure out that only when big groups of people are around plants do they fall victim to this botanical suicide (remember Central Park? yeah it was a pretty loose connection). So they split up and Hobag tells her husband about Joey. He doesn't seem to care. Probably because he hates her as much as I do.

Now the rest of the movie I had to IMDB/Wikipedia because I have no idea how the movie ended.

Okay. So I just read the actual plot of the movie. And I am super pissed off. Apparently, after I stopped paying attention, the plants suddenly decided to start killing individuals instead of larger groups. So Mark and his wifey and little orphan Annie are some crazy lady's house. She's already died because of the mean plants, but miraculously our three heroes are unaffected. So some how, Mark darling is in the house, and the bitch and the little girl are in the barn and they're talking through a speaking tube (?). The decide that since they're going to die anyway, they may as well die together. So they go out in the open and hug when all of a sudden the plants aren't pissed anymore. Wtf?

Cut to like 6 months later when he and that pug-faced slut are still together, raising the girl. Puggy is knocked up btw. I guess that's supposed to make us think that everything's okay and not that they just weren't as careful as they should have been. The movie ends with a report that the same thing is happening in Paris.

So why did this all of a sudden just happen in the North-Eastern United States? Why did it just stop, for no fucking reason at all? Why is Paris suddenly affected? How did Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel and that little kid make it out alive, when EVERYONE around them dropped faster than my already faint interest in this film? How many plot-holes can you find?

My advice, don't see it. You may be trying to give it a chance, arguing that you "liked The Sixth Sense." Don't be sucked in. Remember "Lady in the Water"? But you probably won't heed my caution. So if you must see it, at least do yourself a favor and down a six-pack or a bottle of Jack before you do. You'll thank yourself.

My lungs are trying to kill me

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away." No, actually it doesn't. Not when your respiratory system is trying to kill you. I spent the entire weekend hacking up my lungs and slipping in and out of fever-induced comas.




Friday

I woke up coughing. And it felt like someone was trying to scoop my brain out of my skull with a rusty spoon. "No big deal," I thought. "I'm sure it's just stress." Of course as the day wore on, and oh how it did wear on, I was beginning to doubt that theory. Having a full weekend ahead of me, I took some Dayquil and went to work. After work, I went to see 'Fiddler on the Roof' on the lawn at the Performing Arts Center with Michael. Well, it turns out that sitting on the cold ground in front of the river, breathing its damp air for three hours didn't exactly help my condition. Michael took pity on me and we went to the store for medicine before I went home (at his suggestion. Apparently, I looked dead.) I stumble in my front door and collapse on my bed. I had just enough time before my plague took over to take my temperature. 103F. Of course.

Saturday

After a full night of high fevers, migraine induced tears and the inability to breath, it's morning. More medicine. It's now about 3pm. Sleeping this late would normally concern me, but seeing as i was entering into hour 14 of my head trying to implode, I let it go. I crawl out of my room, stand in the kitchen for some 20 minutes, and crawl back to bed. It's 6 now. Time for soup. I choke down about 1/3 of a cup, and now it's time to sleep more. A thoroughly productive Saturday.

Sunday

I wake up again to hacking my lungs out. This time was a real treat, though. I'm now coughing up blood. Maybe it's time to go to the doctor. Go to work. Endure another 5 hours of fever and migraines. Go home and sleep. This really fucking sucks.

Monday

After an hour and a half waiting to see the doctor, I and diagnosed with walking pneumonia. Hooray! Another hour, and a very awkward x-ray later, I'm at the pharmacy. My medicine won't be ready for 5 hours. Apparently it take 5 hours to put 7 antibiotic pills into a bottle. I should've figured at much.

5 hours (and $130 later) I have my medicines. I can finally stop my lungs from choking me with my own blood. But not before I take my antibiotic (which makes me wretch violently).


This is pretty much my life for the next 6 days. I'm mostly okay now. I'm fucking broke and still coughing, but at least I'm better? I guess? Fuck this cold.

Boil-in-Bag Rice

The other night Dustin and I were hanging out at my house, doing typical young-twenties stuff: watching canceled TV shows from our youth, wondering in despair when our lives became such a joke, etc. When he decided that it's time for what he likes to call "second dinner." So we hop in the car and head to the grocery store. Now while he's stocking up on food that would make a six-year old convulse in a fit of jealousy, I couldn't help but notice that the shelves were lined with what I've dubbed "failure food." Food that can, in no way, be undercooked, improperly mixed or accidentally require more than one step to prepare. Now I'm not talking about your standard fool-proof foods; your oven pizzas, Hamburger Helpers and the like. I'm talking about products that are the food equivalent to Jerry Springer guests. Here are a few the culinary atrocities I've found:

- Success brand boil-in-bag rice. This is was originally set me off. The name alone is questionable. "Success"??? Never in my life have I considered managing to cook rice a success. The again I've never considered Big Mouth Billy Bass art, so I'm probably not in the target demographic anyway. However this particular product requires that you understand how to turn the faucet on AND are able to use the stove, so I guess this is for the more advanced consumer.

- Kraft Bagel-fuls: frozen bagel tubes that are filled with cream cheese. It is exactly what it sounds like: a long bread stick made from bagel dough, hollowed out, filled with cream cheese and frozen. Of course this is the from the makers of Easy Mac, so I don't know why I was surprised.

- Milk 'n Cereal Bars: cereal bars that have white frosting sandwiched in the middle to emulate milk. They've not only cut out milk, and all of its pesky nutritional value, but they've shown people that this parenting thing isn't that hard. Just shove one of these into Junior's craw before school and he'll ready to face his second year in the fourth grade.

There is a market of people so stupid (or lazy, if we give them the benefit of the doubt) that they are rendering silverware and dishes obsolete. These are the same people whose lives have been saved by the "Do not use plastic bag as a toy" warning. Thinking about it now, I don't think "failure food" is the best description. Maybe something more along the lines of "Eat this stupid!" or "Food, moron!" Or at the suggestion of my friend ""UUUUNNHH! MMOUUUTTHHH! IN" So please, next time you go to the store, resist the temptation of soup that you drink like a fucking cup of coffee, and go for something that requires you to go at least one step beyond "unwrap before eating."